Grandmother Energy: Hag or Crone?

This is me at this stage in my life - raw, vulnerable, authentic, and doing brave things. I’ve searched and searched for readings or research on what happens to the energy of being a Grandmother when your children don’t have their own children. 

In the current world, many young folks are choosing not to have their own children, and who can blame them when we look at the future of our planet? Others have fertility issues that can’t be resolved. 

As women come into retirement age, there is a space for the next stage of their lives whereby Grand-motherhood can fill that space. If we look back over the history of the last few generations as life expectancy has increased, older women have evolved into the role of helping with child-rearing, and more often because they were supporting their own children when they had children. Elders play such an important role in society. There is a sharing of wisdom, social connection and care which is often both social and economic. There appears to be a change with distance, and many life circumstances including fertility issues. So what happens if there is nothing to fill the grandmother space? No Grand-babies, Grand-bairns, Grandchildren? I am heading towards the age of full retirement (though I don’t think I’ll ever give up the work I do; it will just be in a different capacity). 

What is a Crone or Hag?

There are many definitions of crone or hag and many of them are not complementary! You only have to search the definition and you will come up with many unkind definitions which were more often than not, names given to powerful women by men of the time, and were often associated with witchcraft and lack of understanding of the power and skills of some women. For example, the Anglo-Saxon word 'hag' (hagge) means witch and in French folklore, 'crone' means a carrion bird (crow), neither of which are particularly kind. Interestingly, in Greek terminology 'hag' or 'hagia' means 'holy one'. In more recent times, the words have been reframed as female archetypes. However, 'crone' is associated with that final stage of a woman's life. If we viewed the definition of 'holy one' we could view it in the sense of one who has gained experience and knowledge through their lived experiences.

Where does the energy fit?

There is a void. There is an energy that is waiting to come into force, and there is a sense of loss and feeling lost. Where do I fit? What do I do with this Grandmother or 'Crone' energy? How do I now walk in this world and watch other women who get to hold their Grand-babies? Women my age and younger are Grandmothers. Is there a social expectation, narrative or generalisation that as I grow older, I am expected to have grandchildren? I've lost count of the amount of people (when they know my age) ask me if I have any grandchildren, or how many grandchildren do I have?

As someone who has always walked this earth wondering where I fit, I am now faced with the same story. Where do I fit as a Grand-motherless Grandmother? As I walk into the latter part of my life knowing that I haven’t gotten things the way I’d like, what next? 

Envy is a human emotion

I know that envy isn’t a particularly comfortable emotion, but it isn’t that unusual and it is part of humanity. Big confession here - I envy some folks’ lives. I envy those in my life who have grandchildren. I am ready for that grandmother energy and I’ve been ready for a while, but it’s doubtful it will be fulfilled in the general and natural way. Envy doesn’t mean I can’t love those folks in my life who are grandparents and nor does it mean I don’t love those children too. I am thankful to have younger folks in my life that do have children and that I can be a part of, and yes, I do know there are 'Adopt a grandchild' groups and No, it still does not fill the void. In spite of my feelings of loss, grief and envy, I choose to love and commit my values to celebrating what others have. That might sound like a contradiction. How can I feel envy for folks and still feel and give love to those folks? 

I hold those emotions alongside my values of who I want to be in this world and what I want to stand for as a loving, kind and caring woman who has learnt a few things along the way. 

I envy those moments of witnessing growth in a tiny human. I envy not being able to share the wisdom I have gained since I was a young mother. I envy not being able to transfer information and the passing on of cultural knowledge and intergenerational stories through the family lines and the sharing of the 'hag' energy. I envy the social connection with grandchildren and having visits with them. I envy the pre-school paintings on the fridge. I envy the shared moments and memories made. I envy being part of a community whereby I can witness significant events in grandchildren’s lives. I envy the teaching of certain skills that my own grandmother taught me.

Coming into our power as Crones

When you search for articles about not being a grandparent, they are mostly about women who have never been parents and therefore, grand-parenting does not happen by definition. I am a parent of adult children and still I won’t be a grandparent. Why is this such a big deal to me? As I’ve already mentioned, the envy is a big one, but more importantly, there is a grandmother energy. It is the energy of the “Hag”. I read Sharon Blackie’s book, ‘Hagitiude: Reimagining the second half of life’. I searched it for clues and answers. As Blackie says, we have to find ways to say "No" to a narrative and generalisation that as women in our later years, we are not invisible and we don't have to apologise for who we are. I’m still searching and working on being as fearless as many other women are. I know that I have conquered many fears over the last ten years with my hashtag #keepdoingbraveshit. There are women who have jumped into facing fears and to a place of courage, trust and 'not knowing' and gone off and totally done their own thing living in isolation on remote properties, solo travelling the world and lots of other brave actions.

The next phase

I’m still young enough and I’m navigating the boundaries that keep me well and healthy, but right now the 'hag' and 'crone' energy feels like it is turning back in on itself and at times is making me sick. Whilst I'm transitioning into the next phase of my life, I am constantly reminding myself that when life circumstances get in the way, I can be kind and compassionate towards myself as I navigate this transition. The best solution I can come up with right now is to mourn the loss of grandmother-hood that will guide me into a deeper sense of where I fit in the world. I can trust and accept that by opening up and making space for the grief, I am creating a space for all of the energy the crone has to offer me. Whilst the 'Hag' and 'crone' energy is not fulfilled in grandparenting, I know that when I am teaching and mentoring other students and health professionals, I can share my wisdom and experiences and contribute to their evolution as social workers, clinicians and other helping professionals. It is an evolving energy and a part of life that will transfer to other folk in my life.